Pictionary with the Boss

Had a meeting today with the big boss. He decides to demonstrate his vision by drawing a map of the UK. Upon him starting to draw the board, I commence shouting out "A ghost....Casper....a cake....a face" whilst he is doing his best impression of Tony Hart. Needless to say he didn't find it funny and I had to leave the room in a fit of hysterics!

Driving Miss Arlene

Driving along thinking to myself "O my back window looks clean"...drive a little further to realise that my boot is in fact open!!

Don't know what was funnier, me giving fellow drivers dirty looks as if to say "And why didn't anyone tell me that MY boot was open" or them looking at me thinking "Woman driver?!"

Knickers!

Now ladies, and gentlemen of course, we all wear em, some more than most I suppose; I am referring to the undergarment of KNICKERS!

I recently found that for the majority of the day I find myself trying to locate my knickers from the crack of my ass! Now this may sound crude but in all honesty, I'm really thinking of not bothering to actually put my legs through the bits where they need to go but actually put them where they intend to spend most of the day!

No grabbing!

Recently on my lunch break I visited a clothing warehouse near to where I work to see if I could grab a bargain or two, with a couple of friends.

On arrival, we all went our separate ways and started to peruse the aisles. Whilst wandering around I heard what I can only describe as loud moaning coming from the other side of the warehouse...thinking nothing of it I continued. I arrived at the shoe section and eyed a pair of shoes that took my fancy. Finding my size, I decided to try them on...little did I know that this was the beginning of a rather strange episode.

There were none of those seats that you usually find when trying on shoes so I found myself bending over to get my shoes off/trying on my possible purchase. Whilst bent over, in a not so attractive position, I felt a hand on my bum and not just a pinch but a full on grab!! Now, my first thought was that it was one of my friends I had arrived with as we often mess about. However as I turned around, still bent over, I had a mixture of shock and horror to see a man in a wheelchair with the biggest grin on his face. It was obvious that he had disabilities. Not just because of taking a fancy to my bum, but...it was just obvious. So I looked to the right of him with what I can only explain to be a look of shock and horror, to see where on earth his carer was. There she was, fingering through the bargains, doing anything but CARING for the guy in the wheelchair and obviously spending his benefits! I was waiting for her reaction for what seemed like a life time and all she uttered was "No grabbing", whilst tapping the back of his hand. NO GRABBING, NO GRABBING??!! Is that all she's got to say, despite the fact that I am stood there with my shock and horror look going on?? No apology?? You can imagine that this done nothing but fuel his fire so he could undress me with his eyes as he was whisked away!

I was left feeling used, abused and violated with the words "No grabbing" ringing in my ears...

Shop Assistants

Now we all experience them on a daily basis, but the other day I encounter what I can only describe as leaving me speechless...

After whizzing round and getting the bits I needed I went to the till with my basket of goods and was asked the annoying question "Do you want a bag?" Picture me with a shoulder bag no bigger than my head which is already full and no other bag in sight. Now of course, its high of my list of priorities to save the planet and all that but come on, I need a bag! So I kindly advised her that I need a bag (as unfortunately I had left my magic coat with the Mary Poppins pockets at home). She then goes on to ask me "Can I interest you in some tattoo sleeves?", this is whilst she is pulling up a pair of baggy sleeves that have since fallen down and were hanging round her wrists; good advert?! Needless to say, I refused the offer of the sleeves.

Now time for the second shop and amongst my purchases was alcohol. I take a few bottles of cider to the checkout and unfortunately there aren't any self-serve tills available which I prefer so I don't have any interaction with said Shop Assistant; let the transaction commence! She grabs a bottle of cider and starts reading the label and then gasps and says "WOW, look at the percentage of that!" Slightly confused I reply "I don't get it." Her response was "It's the percentage of alcohol and that's like well strong for cider." Must to my dismay, the only comment I could muster was "I really have to admit that I didn't take notice of that as I'm not 14 wanting to get smashed on cider"

V

Now don't get the title of this blog confused with the 80's alien type program with the same name (which has now been subject to a remake by the Americans, which I don't think has done too well as it's now on Channel 1 (Virgin to you and me)). Its reference to V-Festival which is a yearly event attended by the masses.

So, after months of arranging the weekend of all weekends, it finally arrived. We were going to V... We got there, did the necessary; including unpacking, tents put up and then the shenanigans began.

We took a trip down to the arena and after consuming copious of alcohol, we returned to the campsite. I had the bright idea of going to the loo. Now we had all made an observation that there was a massive white tee-pee type tent by ours so that if we did get lost this would be our beacon. So, off I go to the loo and then I make an attempt to return to base camp!

I was walking for what felt like a good five minutes. Now, it was then that I realised that I had gone past base camp and was in fact lost. I did the rational thing of calling everyone for assistance. However, this failed as no-one answered their phone so I was on my own.

I'm no Bear Grylls and you have to imagine that there are thousands of tents, its pitch black and I have no clue as to where I am or where all of my friends are. This is paired with being fairly drunk so luck wasn't on my side. So I do the thing that all people do when they're lost...PANIC!

I then step up my pace but this was hindered as all of these tents had their guide-ropes secured. Thus meaning that with every step I took, I was taken out but one of the thousands of guide-ropes in my path. There was only one thing for it...I cried! Not just a sob but full on tears, snot and noise!

I noticed that throughout my journey of despair there were platforms located in the campsite with letters and numbers on; presuming this was for people like me, lost that is and not noisy criers; I took note of the platform where I was....T28.

I tried to call one of my friends again and this time was successful. Through all of the sobbing, tears, snot and noise I was making he kinda made out where I was... "I'm at T28", told me to stay there was he was going to come and get me.

So, what did I do? I kept on walking, falling over the guide-ropes, crying, making loads of noise and generally feeling sorry for myself. Then, all of a sudden he appeared. Now, I thought I was going to get loads of sympathy what with the intrepid journey I had just been on...how wrong I was. He was laughing hysterically!

He then leads me around the tent I was I standing behind...and there....were all my friends!

I stupidly thought I was going to get lots of tea and sympathy...how wrong was I?? They all commenced in fits of giggles and crys of "I'm lost at T28" and even another made up a song re be being lost.

Moral of that story: Don't get lost on a camp-site and then give your location as T28, as you never live it down!

Firstly I want to apologise for not blogging since 1962!! There's no excuse apart from I haven't felt very funny and whilst the comedy that is my life continues on a day to day basis, I just haven't been in a position to "blog" about it. But now the dry spell has ended and I am back! So, as I blog, these will include various updates of the last few months and including some gems from the past.

I hope you enjoy, and you feedback is welcome...good or bad